It’s no secret that prep is hard. We all know this, and if you think otherwise, you’re either a freak of nature, or you’re not actually ready to step on stage (just sayin).
Prep tests you in ways you couldn’t even imagine. It gets you thinking things, and seeing things that you never even thought about before. It plays with your mind, and it drains your energy. [Wow Caraline, sounds great. Why do you do this again?] But its true! I never had body issues growing up, but I’ll be damned if deep in prep I’m not doubting myself, and my physique. I’ve had my share of bad body image days, and they suck! Especially when I know I don’t look “bad,” I just know that in my own eyes, to my highest standards, I am not where I need to be, and that scares the shit out of me. I set high goals for myself, as do all competitors, and if I fall short, I am not happy about it. I’m an athlete, have been all my life. I’m competitive, and if I can win, I damn sure want to win!
This is where the shitty mind games come into play, where you sometimes don’t even like what you see in the mirror. And let me clarify: I in no way hate my body. I love myself, and I have been fortunate to never have any EDs in my life, but some days you just don’t see yourself in the same light. You lose a little of that rockstar confidence you’ve been rockin, and you just really want to cover up, stay inside, and be by yourself for awhile. It happens. And it happens a lot when you come off of a bad season like I did last year, but I digress.
But one of the worst things about putting my prep out there, what I’m doing, eating, feeling, is that with that, always comes the unspoken responsibility of catering to others’ feelings. Like, for someone who has girls screaming OMG GOALS! in my comments, daily, I somehow am responsible for how I portray how I feel about myself…Because God forbid, I say I’m unhappy with where my body’s at right now, and little Susie gets her feelings hurt because she wants to look like me, and I don’t even like me at the time! Let me just start off by saying, aint that some bullshit!
I am not here to tiptoe around Susie Simpson and Todd Fortnite’s feelings. I am allowed to feel how I feel about my own damn body. For some reason, other people [who are normally “body positive” posers *eye roll*] think they get to decide what you’re allowed to feel. Just because someone may have a nice body, does not mean they are not susceptible to feelings of insecurity. And vis versa, just because people may not be in great shape, doesn’t mean that they can’t be confident and love themselves as they are. Frankly, its bullshit. To act like this is basically saying that all those with great bodies have to be happy, and all those without, have to feel like shit *aggressive eye roll*. Shut up.
Anyone who competes, and truly loves this sport will tell you over and over again the same thing. We do this because we love it. We do this because day in and day out, we LIVE this lifestyle, and we push our bodies and minds to the edge to be better than we’ve ever been. It takes a special kind of insanity to do what we do. And having random people (or “friends”) who don’t compete (or competed once and stopped), tell you that you can’t feel some type of way because of how it’ll make others feel about themselves, is not something you want to tell someone deep in a caloric deficit. Biiiiiiiiiitch, I’m not out here telling people how they should feel, so you shouldn’t be either! When I talk about my prep updates, I’m talking about ME, MYSELF, AND I. If y’all want to get butthurt over MY brain cells firing inside my head, that’s on YOU, YOURSELF, AND THEE!
I’m a cancer, y’all. So if you’re telling ME I can’t feel something, I’ll show you. Ill feel ALL the damn things!
I said what I said.