We’ve all had that one relationship that we knew wasn’t right (some of us have a had a few of these). Whether you knew this from the start, or found out much later after it was already done and over with, it just wasn’t the right fit for you. You might have felt a sense of relief when you finally got out of that situation. Even if it was still a hard decision, most good decisions are.
I know first hand what it’s like to be manipulated in a relationship. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, made to feel less than what I was, called “crazy”, and more. Clearly, I’ve chosen some winners in my short 25 years on Earth, but life is all about learning through experience am I right?
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life, and I’m no expert by any means, but I will say, I’ve been through some shit y ‘all! And I think sharing some of the hell I’ve been able to walk through could help at least one person catch on quicker than I did. And if that’s the case, I will be grateful.
Before I start delving into this bullshit, let me just preface this by saying that none of the stories or experiences I may share in this are current. They are all from my past, and are not all from just 1 relationship, but a few different failed ones. Also, none of them involve my current relationship or boyfriend. Y ‘all know about Payton, and he will get some more blog spotlight soon enough, but just know he is the best thing to ever happen to me. The type of man he is, is the light at the end of the tunnel for anyone going through a bad break up, or suffering from the remnants of a past relationship. Do not stop believing in love because of these douche lords who didn’t see your worth. If there is one thing that I 100% believe in, it’s timing. Trust the timing of your life.
Like I said, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve missed red flags, I’ve ignored them, and I’ve just plain denied them. I’ve stayed in relationships that I knew weren’t right for me. I’ve stayed after being cheated on, thinking he would change, thinking that I could change him. I’ve gotten out and come right back thinking things would be different. I’ve had the evidence in front of my face, and made excuses for him. I’ve defended his actions to my friends and family. And none of this was out of the blue. The red flags were everywhere, I just didn’t want to head the warning signs. So do better than me, and listen up:
in no particular order
- He tells you he’s “just not a good texter.” If he is making excuses as to why he sucks at communicating, he’s really just saying “you’re not a priority.” If someone wants to talk to you, they will make time. I get it, we are all adults [or trying to be], we have jobs, or school, or both, we are busy. But it is not hard to make time for a split second technological word zoom to the one you care about. Even if it’s just to say, “Hey, I have a busy day ahead of me, I’ll text you when I can” [and yes, these men do exist]. BOOM! One simple sentence to calm a girl’s nerves, whether she thought she was being ignored or not.
- He goes days without talking to you. This goes along with the paragraph above. I don’t know any relationship that survives with zero communication. And yes, there are exceptions when it comes to people asking for space, but if they’re asking for space, that’s another red flag in of itself. Again, it takes half a second to send a text, or a few minutes to call on the phone. Making time is not hard, regardless of how busy you are. There really is no excuse to NOT want to talk to your person at all for days or even a day. Otherwise, why be with them? And yes, I get it, you can be an independent woman and not need all the attention, but honestly…not even a text to let you know how their day was, or what they’re up to? Lesbehonest.
- He calls you CRAZY. Oh my favorite…*eye roll*… You tell him that something is bothering you, you tell him that you are not ok with something he may have done, you tell him that he hurt you, and what does he do? He calls you crazy. If he does this, he is deflecting. He’s making you feel like you are in fact crazy for feeling any kind of emotional pain in regards to him, and that everything he does is fine, and that you’re DUN DUN DUN, overreacting! Hard pass on that crazy train. If he thinks you’re crazy for catching him in a lie, he’s a douche. If he’s acting more pissed off about the fact that you went through his phone, than the fact that you found nudes and texts that were not yours, he is 1. a cheater. 2. deflecting, yet again to make you feel like what YOU did was worse than him cheating. and 3. Not worth it. BYE! We’re all crazy y ‘all, but not without reason…and not without being pushed too far. Disclaimer: I do not condone the act of going through your significant other’s phone or personal things UNLESS you find out he’s cheating, then clearly morals are already off the table, in which case, get the facts and end him.
- Deflecting should have it’s own red flag, so here it is. Has he ever done something, lied about it, then when you catch him, he makes it your fault for prying into his business, or some bullshit? Has he ever legit made you feel like shit for having feelings, or crying over him? Has he intentionally diverted your attention away from his poor behavior to point out how crazy YOU’RE acting? Does he make whatever you did to find out what he did, seem worse than what he’s actually doing? Run. Fuck that guy.
- He cheated on you. Seems like the biggest red flag on earth right? IT IS! Do not let this go lightly! I get that you may love him, but to be truly honest, if he did this to you, he clearly doesn’t love you as much as you both thought. And it’s extremely sad that when I ran a poll on twitter, over 100 women said that they had been cheated on in past relationships. That’s awful! Move on girl. I personally don’t believe in the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” because some people do actually get their shit together, but I do believe that a boy will continue to cheat if he had been cheating for awhile already, if he’s getting away with it, if you take him back multiple times after doing so, and if he’s a fucking douche! It’s also a huge red flag if he’s cheated WITH you, before you, or after you; the during just hurts the most. Regardless, if he’s not the one that came straight to you after something happened, and told you, groveling and crying, I don’t really think there’s hope at all to salvage a monogamous relationship with this person.
- He covers for his friends’ cheating on their s.o.’s. Let me say this first; there is a difference between “Bro Code” and blatantly being a part of a scheme to make sure your boy’s gf doesn’t find out he’s railing one of the servers at work. I get it, Bro Code could be just minding your own business and staying out of it, which is the smart decision, but there’s a line to be drawn at some point. If he’s condoning his “boy’s” behavior or jokes about it, he could be wishing he was out there living the douchebag lifestyle too. You tend to act like who you hang out with the most.
- He wants your relationship to be a secret. I’m all for keeping a private life, but not for being hidden from the world all together. He may have introduced you to his friends, or even his family, but refer to red flag #6, and ask yourself if you’d think his friends would do the same for him. I’ve even had an ex’s freaking PARENTS cover for him. He had a whole other life where he was actually having two girlfriends and his parents kept it their little secret. Truly disgusting; but I digress. If he is purposely shying away from your snap chats, telling you not to post things, never posting about you, or even going as far as deleting comments you’ve left on his page…girl. If a guy can’t show you off, he’s protecting someone else’s feelings. Remember that. Don’t buy into all the “who care’s if he doesn’t post pictures of you on social media, you don’t need that for a great relationship” bullshit. Because that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about him refusing to, and refusing to LET you as well. Don’t let him bullshit you into thinking that he just wants a private life, and that only desperate people need that validation. HE’S the desperate one; panicking that if you post a picture of him, then all his little side hoes, or possible side hoes will go away. Drop his ass. No one deserves to be a secret.
- He tries to buy your forgiveness. Sure, gifts are great, but they don’t make up for the fact that you’re dating a tool. I’ve been there; rich boyfriend, thought we had it all, but then he randomly started buying me gifts every time he would get back from “his mom’s in KY.” He would say it’s just because he wanted to do something nice for me, because he felt bad about not being able to talk to me all weekend. But when I started to catch on, I would ask him why he keeps getting me all these things and that I don’t want them, he calls me crazy, and gets defensive like “how dare you question my motives when I’m giving you expensive things. This should just blind you to my poor quality as a human being.” How many red flags did you count in that little snippet? *eye roll* Surprise gifts are one thing ladies, but surprise gifts after he’s fucked up don’t seem to mean much, contrary to some men’s belief.
- He tries to control you. From your clothes to your posts, he’s always got something to say. “You’re not going out like that,” “Cover up, is this how you get your likes?” Anyone who wants to tell you how to dress, how to act, and how to post a freaking picture, is insecure. An insecure man, is a judgmental man. If he can’t handle that he has a hot girlfriend who is confident in her own skin, then he doesn’t deserve you. You shouldn’t have to dim your light so he can feel better about himself. And looooord if he even tells you that you can’t hang out with your friends. Ew. He could be wanting what’s best for you in some situations (if you have a toxic friend), but if it’s just because of his low self esteem and him not trusting you to be out without him, ew. Bye.
- He’s constantly accusing you of things. Circling back to #9, he’s insecure! This is the most annoying thing on earth to me. If there’s one thing I cannot stand in a significant other, it’s insecurity to the point of distrust. If he doesn’t trust you, and you’ve given him zero reasons to question your loyalty, where is this really going to go? If you can’t trust each other, what’s the point? I’ve had an ex accuse me of cheating on him because of my Instagram…he said that with all the guys in my comments and the amount of likes I was getting, there was no way I wasn’t hooking up with any of them. Really? Yes, because bigjohnny69 with a wife and kids, commenting “I’d hit that” with the eggplant emoji, reeeeally gets me going. Stfu. Probably the stupidest shit I ever heard. But turns out he was just projecting because he was, wait for it….INSECURE! Because the girls that were in his comments were actually people he was hooking up with. Nice. Bottom line, don’t let an insecure dude tell you who you are.
- He says he doesn’t want a relationship. If you aren’t looking for a fling or friends with benefits type of thing, then just move on. If a guy tells you he’s not looking for anything right now, believe him. You may think you can change him and you’ll live happily ever after (it’s a slight possibility), but people only change when they want to. If you go down that road, and act like you’re together, and its even feels like you are, be weary. You may come to find that he was actually telling you the truth, and doesn’t want a relationship. Wow, what a concept, the truth. And then you get your feelings hurt when you find out he’s doing the single guy thing with other people too, and he calls you crazy because he told you and blah blah blah the cycle of red flags ensues.
- Your family/friends don’t like him or he doesn’t like them. BIG RED FLAG! And one that often times gets overlooked. I know I’ve ignored it before, and let me tell you that “Momma knows best” has never been more true. Normally those closest to you can see most of these red flags way before you do. Your heart can pull the wool over your eyes, it happens. But when your parents, siblings, or best friends start to see a few warning signs, they really are trying to look out for you (unless they’re a conniving bitch after your boyfriend). Whether or not you heed their warnings, is up to you. And in my experience, people who do not vibe well with your family and or friends, do not end up in the winner’s circle. Time will catch up to you, and you’ll realize that at some point you will have to choose sides between the one you love, and your own family. This is not a situation you would ever be in if the two were on good terms. And later on down the road, you might start to blame them for why you’re not friends with certain people anymore, or why your relationship with your family isn’t the same. If the vibe between the two loves of your life aren’t good, the future isn’t either.
So, in conclusion, I really hope you catch on to whatever douche lordery your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to pull. And if you don’t relate to any of these red flags, then hallelujah! You may be in an actual serious adult relationship, congratulations!
I’ll leave you with this one piece of advice so I can stop rambling: